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| Dear You, I know it has been a long time. I've been so neglectful, but I guess this is only for me anyway, right? I feel sometimes like I've fallen off of the face of the Earth. Totally and completely hidden. And I'm actually comfortable with that. Who would have wanted to go through "Shtuff" like I did anyway? I'm so happy to be out of that disaster and loosed from the chains that cut off the circulation from my wrists. Sometimes changes are hard. But everything is always changing and evolving. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But I think I've learned how to keep a peaceful mind and attitude about any change that comes to either attack me or grow me. It's easier to deal with the changes that way, I think. Though, it's so hard to trust anything anymore - and I'm still learning how to trust. Trust the world, God, and people who love me. What still keeps me captive and in chains? The fear. The cold, piercing fear. Fear of everything. Fear of myself. The wolves. The dark. The secrets. Abandonment. Pain and hurt. Fear of hurting those I love so much. Fear that I am unable to prove myself and the work done in my life. Fear of losing. Fear of the unknown. Fearful that I won't get rid of this fear in my life. It eats me alive night and day and night again. Self-talk is important. Act strong. Put the game face on. Fight the demons and satan - recognize that he is from the pit of hell and everything uncomfortable, confusing, or scary is from HIM who would love to take you and defeat you. Everything painful, everything unhappy, everything wrong is Satan and his friends. I pray continuously that God would answer the door when Satan is knocking. That Satan cannot influence my thoughts, my actions, or decisions/choices - as well as those I love, those I surround myself around. He is such a shit and has tried so hard to take everything away from me. It seems when things are good and I'm doing well, Satan steps in and says, "NUH UH!!! No way!" and he figures out a way to ruin everything that was worked so hard on. Not no more. I've let go of the cane. Try to live today like it was your last day. Then nothing can go wrong, right? Take care. Meredith | | |
| Hey! I know it's been FOREVER since I have written something. Wow. I'm surprised I even remembered my password for this site and could get on. I'm going to make this quick. Things are well and actually I should change my name from "fighting_losing_dying" to "fighting_winning_living!" Yeah I still have my hard days and down days, but someone saved my life and I just want to lift all kinds of praises up to God. I am tremendously thankful. He has done such amazing things in my life. And He really does love me! It's Satan that wanted to destroy me, what a fucknut! And hey - Jesus loves you all, too!!!! He just thinks you're awesome and we are all his children - which makes us the best royalty we could ever possibly dream of being! Isn't that just awesome!!!!??? For us women who are looking at all the wrong men in our lives, we just have to look to Jesus, because he is our true Romeo!!! And we are His Juliet! AMEN!!!!!!! Peace, light, and love! [hit me up if ya need anything!] love always, Meredith | | |
| Dear You, I'm sorry for being so neglectful... Anyway - can't stay long right now... just wanted to share with you something I wrote, but be fair and understanding as it still needs A LOT of work done on it, revising and editing, etc. I'm also still working on a title (though it might seem purely obvious to you as you read the poem--hmmph)... it's a freewrite poem, so whatever popped into my head, I wrote down... that's why it still needs work... Untitled Her shadow is her only friend
Peering at her and glaring at her
In the moonlight -
Her shadow -
Just another disfigured image of herself
Just like the mirror in all it's reflective glory -
The mirror, steamed and foggy after a shower.
Just like rippling water.
Her shadow -
Full of lies and secrets
"I'll always be better than you."
Whispering cruel 'truths'
"I'm taller than you, thinner than you;
I'm better than you ever could be."
What happened to the little girl
Who's eyes lit up
And lips stretched into a smile
Only to show missing teeth;
Curious and adventurous,
Eyes meeting her shadow for the first time?
What happened to the creativity?
The games she let her imagination create?
What happened to the friend her shadow used to be?
[It was only a dream, it was the enemy]
She trips and stumbles over her shadow
And finds herself walking on shattered glass
Carefully pulling little edges out of her feet
That were wedged in deeply
From the impact of her fall
Her shadow leaves her in solitude
On the coldest, blackest nights.
Rocking back and forth
Trying to bring the force of comfort and sanity.
She sways in the wind
Listening to the leaves crinkle
As the trees mock and humiliate her;
Humiliate her loneliness and despair.
She is like a wild flower
Bound by sadistic barbed wire
That is wound so tightly around her
Suffocated, unable to breathe
Swaying from side to side
Trying to break free
Only finding the wire breaking holes in her stem.
She is failing all around
And she grows tired
After numerous attempts
At trying to find a friend; almost determined.
Everything only strays from her
Leaving her damaged and unmendable.
Utterly lost, silent, and confused.
Asking unexplainable amounts of questions,
Searching for answers,
But finds nothing at all.
And all her shadow can do
Is sit back, relaxed, and laugh. *** Well, I made a few revisions as I typed it up... but anyway - that's pretty much what I wrote... and explains a little how I'm feeling... not sure why... I barely even remember writing the damn thing. I can't even remember yesterday, the night before last night, or much of right now, this moment... *heavy sigh* Unfixable,
Meredith | | |
| Dear You, I want to talk about Alzheimer's, but first I want to update real quick. Update I was supposed to move, I wanted to move, I'm still planning on moving, but now something has come up and I have to stay here for a bit longer. (I'll talk about this a little later in the entry). I got a new tattoo Saturday night. It's on my chest where my collar bone is. It's a quote I found that gave me a sense of power and strength. It says, "I've taken all and I've endured." Now, I know that I have not "taken all" as I am not the Christian God: Jesus Christ (and I'm not even going to go into this because I really don't think I believe in all that... but this will be another post sometime...) But I've taken quite a bit, more than most probably go through, and I've managed to endure and conquer - it's a daily struggle, but I still pull through. I probably should have changed the quote a little bit to say, "I've taken IT and I've endured." I have no regrets, though. It's very petite and feminine. Darin did a good job. It hurt so good... even though it gave me immense pain to have it done right there on the bones, it felt really good. It's starting to itch, but cold wash rags really soothe the itching. I love when it starts to heal. It feels good. I'm just all around addicted to the feeling of tattoos (but I hate needles - how ironic, huh?) I still plan on getting a few more ~ they will be even more powerful and truly amazing. I might even add one more to the list... I do not want any of them cluttered or anything, I don't really like that look on women (some men look good with it, but eh... not much of a turn-on). I know that I want a very sensual woman who owns her body - kinda representing me taking back my power. Hmm. Maybe even a mermaid... they are powerful to me. I know someone who can even design it for me, cool! I haven't talked to Stephany. I'm pretty much done with her BS. I'm done with that drama queen. She pulls me down sometimes and she lies and I just can't even deal with it anymore. She treats everyone like shit even though they do and do for her and she does nothing but treat them like she's so much better than them. It's so irritating. She's very selfish and only thinks about herself. I do talk to her dad's girlfriend a lot though, she's such a sweetie! I'll go over just to hang out with her and Stephany will probably be like, "WTF?!" haha It'll be funny. Stephany needs to be confronted... I need to confront her and tell her how I feel. Ugh. Maybe one day when I feel a little stronger. I found a new song that I fell in love with. Thank you Mia Michaels!!!! It's called Hometown Glory and it's by Adele. Actually, Adele's music is truly amazing. I just love music in general. It's totally incredible how it can make me feel so many emotions... and the way I can move my body to some of it, WOW! Alright, I think my update is over with now............. moving on.............. Alzheimer's and Dementia My grandpa has Alzheimer's. He is really bad now and very sick. He's lost his bathroom ability (so yes, he wears depends or adult diapers), he can't feed himself, when he talks you can't understand him, and he doesn't know who anybody is accept for my grandma. He gets very anxious and can be pretty violent. He's very sick right now. He got really bad really quick, but I am thinking... I keep thinking... thinking until I solve the problem or accept it how it is... I watched "The Notebook" tonight (or this early morning) and that just made me think even more about Alzheimer's. For those of you who don't know what this movie is about I suggest you either go find it, buy it, or rent it. It really is a must watch, especially if you know someone or are taking care of someone who has Alzheimer's. Anyway - I wonder if my grandpa is just giving up. When older people give up, their immune system is very weak and they are susceptible to catch anything and everything. He really is very sick and might not make it another month... he might not even make it until the end of the week. (Which really sucks for my grandmother because she won't get his pension after he dies and she is struggling enough as is). But I'm wondering... is he getting loved enough? Does my grandmother still love him, care for him, or does she treat him like he's just a chore? I'm sure he gets ignored accept around feeding time and changing time... he should be talked to, read to, held, hugged, loved. I highly doubt my grandma is doing any of that. I've watched her with him. When he talks, she blows him off. Maybe... I feel really strongly... that I should find where he is... and read to him... talk to him... something... maybe he'd hold on to that, I know he's very sick, I know he has probably given up because he doesn't feel like anyone wants him or loves him. Would reading to him, talking to him make a difference? Would it give him enough strength to make it another month? Another week? "The Notebook" really told me a lot... really spoke to me... maybe, perhaps, I need to go to resting homes and read to the people there... volunteer... maybe...??? I don't know. I bawled at the end of the movie... my heart just ached... I'm starting to cry again... I got to go, I'm too upset to talk right now. xoxo, Meredith | | |
| Dear You, I actually fell asleep around 1:30 this morning. The last thing I remember Cops was on the television and I was reading "Crank" by Ellen Hopkins. I remember she inspired me to write again when I was reading her. Her style is kind of a free-write/poetry kind of style, but the whole novel flows and makes sense. I loved "Crank" and would actually like to read "Burned," "Impulse," and I think there's another one that she just came out with fairly recently. There is also a poet and friend on allpoetry.com who is inspiring me to find a picture of a person who is showing emotion and then become them and write about what they are feeling. Kind of amazing, but haven't been able to write. Anyway, before I fell asleep, I remember feeling cold and I curled up in my blanket and fell asleep. I think being cold, you actually sleep better because your body is more aware of what is around you. I didn't even take any medication to sleep and fell asleep. I woke up due to a nightmare around 4:40 this morning. I was so anxious after waking up, I decided just to get up. I went to the bathroom and had a cigarette. It's actually cold outside, which explains the reason for me being cold as I fell asleep. Oh God, I hope I'm not getting sicker. I feel sick. Perhaps it's a cold, I'm coughing. And maybe I have an infection, I'm still cramping. Stress, no sleep, it all weakens your immune system. I can hear Cozy, my sugarglider bouncing around in her cage. I feel bad because she has to eat left over food that she didn't finish the night before as I was unable to make her food yesterday. I couldn't find the recipe so I asked my mother for help. She found it too late, after 9, too late for me to make her food and have it ready in time for her to wake up. I hope it doesn't make her sick, that's the last thing I need on my hands right now. I feel alone and solitary right now. Wishy-washy about life and everything that is happening. Unable to make decisions and figure things out. Pushing others away again, I don't feel like talking. Cried a lot of the time yesterday... and started crying again last night... I'm on overload... so tired of the tears and meltdown... flashbacks and nightmares... sleepless nights... feeling sick... Why can't I just be happy? Why is it such a hard thing to come by? [I don't deserve happiness, apparently]... Oh my God, I'm so depressed and triggered. How can I escape? I don't know how much longer I can do this right now. I'm going off the edge. I'm scared. I'm losing my head. I care too much... just need to stop caring... maybe? Things are deeper than that... and there are some things that are beyond therapy even... some things just aren't fixable... [Here I go - starting to cry again]. Can't make any of this go away... I'm not safe... I'm not even safe with myself... I can't even think of what to say right now. I'm not even going to try to attempt to say anything more... ♥Meredith | | |
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